Insomnia is a beast. I am fortunate that its visits are infrequent, but visit it does. Sometimes it’s predictable, with a readily apparent reason. Other times are random: I didn’t have caffeine, I’m not particularly worried about anything, I’m just… awake… at the wrong time. Many of you can probably relate.

At some point I start strategizing, with intermittent time checks. Do I keep lying here? Should I get up? Do I eat something? Should I finish a project? And eventually, even if I wasn’t anxious to begin with, the anxiety sets in about how much time I have left available for me to sleep.

During one such recent visit, when I was well into the wee hours of the morning, I finally got up. I was feeling awful, of course. Feeling so fed up, all I really wanted to do was curl up in a blanket on the sofa with hot cocoa and play a color by number game I’d recently downloaded on my phone. But that seemed like such a waste of time. Time was escaping from me that I could be using to sleep, so I should do something with it to somehow un-waste it. I should pray, I thought. But prayer felt too exhausting. I didn’t want to pray, so I just felt worse.

But then the Holy Spirit.

So here is the irony that He pointed out to me that night. In my job as a therapist I routinely sit with children… and color. I sit with children who are stressed, and anxious, and don’t yet have words for the confusion and pain inside them… and we color. And I am very honored to do that with them, and it is an important part of the work. If I as an imperfect human being can enter into a child’s world and be content to color with them, who am I to imagine that Jesus does not have it in his heart to color with me? Do I really think I can out-compassion God? So I grabbed my blanket, phone, and hot cocoa, and asked Jesus to color with me.

I don’t know that’s exactly what Brother Lawrence had in mind when he spoke about practicing the presence of God.  He describes the practice more as an act of devotion and love for God. That moment for me was more about receiving and sitting in the love that emanates from God. But I like to think Brother Lawrence would have approved.

Disclaimer: This post is about connecting with the love of God. It is not about treating insomnia. In fact, drinking a caffeinated beverage and using screens is pretty horrible advice for treating insomnia. If that’s you, please consult your doctor.