Or… How Shall We Then Forgive? Part 8

A little while back I said I was making a note to circle back to the question of whether we can pursue legal action against someone we have forgiven. I had the complexity of domestic violence in mind. My plan was to discuss domestic violence specifically at the end of this series, but it’s been on my mind more with October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month. So here’s to bumping it up in the queue, even if a little late.

My goal is not so much to argue for why we can forgive someone and file a protective order, if needed. Hopefully the way I am writing about forgiveness gives you the support you need to know that you can both forgive an abuser and also take steps to protect yourself. But I realize that false ideas of forgiveness can be used to keep people trapped in abusive relationships. So, with all this talk about forgiving, I wanted to directly acknowledge it and link to resources to get the support that either you or someone important to you may need.

Getting out of a web of domestic violence is incredibly difficult and frightening. People can say, “Just leave,” or “Just get a protective order,” or “Just call the police.” If only it were just that simple. On average it takes victims seven attempts before they are able to permanently leave a violent relationship. There are many reasons for why it is so difficult, not the least of which is that leaving (or attempting to) frequently only escalates the violence. Two things that I have found incredibly important for victims are: support and knowledge.

Support

We do not expect people to do incredibly difficult tasks all by themselves. It is normal and appropriate to need help and support. You may not know what kind of help you want, or if it is bad enough that you want to leave yet. That’s OK. You don’t have to have that figured out to deserve or be ready for support. I have sat with people who started that process and it did end with them leaving their partner. I have sat with people who as they got help, their partner decided to also get help and take responsibility for their violent behavior so that the abuse ended. You just never know how these things will unfold. What I want you to know is that you don’t have to do it alone. There are people who are waiting to help.

You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or texting “START” to 88788. Staff in their call center are trained and experienced in helping people escape from domestic violence, and it is FREE. You can call them if you need help getting away from abuse. You can call them if you are concerned that someone you love is being abused. You can call them if you want support to stop abusing. To learn more about what to expect if you reach out, click here. Many nonprofits provide free services to help people escape abuse, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help connect you to resources near you.

Knowledge

Violence and abuse leave us feeling powerless. I am a firm believer in the adage that knowledge is power. Learning about domestic violence can help empower you and help you figure out what steps you need to take. Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That?, is an excellent resource for understanding the abuse dynamics at play in domestic violence. While women are the most common targets of domestic violence, it happens to people of all genders. The concepts in Bancroft’s book are relevant and helpful regardless of your gender or the gender of your abuser. You can also find a wealth of free information at the following sites:

https://www.thehotline.org/search-our-resources/

https://www.nctsn.org/resources/public-awareness/national-domestic-violence-awareness-month

Other Kinds of Abuse and Help

Perhaps your abuser is not an intimate partner. It could instead be a parent. Maybe you are elderly and it is someone on whom you depend for care. Whatever your situation, know that there are people who want to help you find safety. The following are some other specific resources:

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline ● 1-800-4-A-CHILD ● https://childhelphotline.org/

National Center on Elder Abuse ● 855-500-3537 ● https://ncea.acl.gov/