One of the dynamics I find challenging to navigate as a big human caring for smaller humans is bullying. I’m grateful that we have more resources to address bullying than we did in previous generations. And also, in their growing attempts to name things, sometimes children cry “bullying,” when they are actually describing conflict.

Here are two things I look for when trying to assess a situation:

Power imbalance. This can be due to differences in individual traits such as size, age, or strength. It can also be due to group dynamics such as five against one. Claire may be angry with Natasha and refuse to speak to her. But if Claire convinces all the other girls in the grade to socially shun Natasha, this has become bullying.

Disparate emotional reactions. In normal conflict there will be a general equality of emotional reaction on both sides. This doesn’t mean everyone is feeling the same thing or expressing it in the same way, but you will have two upset, distressed, or angry children (or groups of children) on your hands. But when one side is expressing distress (especially fear or anxiety), and the other side is exhibiting little to no emotion, indifference or minimization… that’s a good reason for concern that what you’re dealing with is not run of the mill conflict.

Nobody Knew What To Do, by Becky Ray McCain, is a lovely children’s book that addresses this topic. It’s empathetic and practical, validating the emotional impact of bullying on children (whether they are the direct target or a witness to it) and providing concrete guidance.

The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, a leader in anti-bullying initiatives, identifies eight possible social roles in a bullying situation. Here is a quick summary and graphic of the various roles, which I find incredibly insightful. I love how this model teases out the varied internal and external responses we can have toward bullying. Naming these various roles creates space for kids (and adults!) to reflect on how we are interacting with a bullying situation, as well as sketching a vision of how to help.

I wish that the playground dynamics of bullying were something left behind in childhood, but of course they are not. Like other vices, they are practiced by adults as well as children. And adults, being bigger and stronger, usually do it worse.

Thinking about the church, power imbalances, and disparate emotional reactions… I see connections between Olweus’ bullying roles and how people of color and LGBT+ individuals are treated in the white evangelical church. (This is not by any means an exhaustive list of possible connections, just where my mind goes first.) If I think honestly about my own life, I have played multiple of Olweus’ roles. The truth is, Jesus is the only person who has perfectly-without-exception-always nailed the Defender role.

Thinking this way can feel uncomfortable, but it can also be empowering. Because here’s the thing: we don’t have to stay in the role we’re in if we don’t like it. We can speak up. We can tell the truth about how people are being treated. We can realign ourselves in the fraught power dynamics of evangelicalism. In honor of Pride month, let me focus specifically on my queer siblings. We can help make it unpopular to treat LGBT+ people differently than the rest of us. We can join them in insisting that their humanity and dignity be respected.