Or… How Shall We Then Forgive? Part 4

So back to my sofa and my unforgiving self. What are we to make of Jesus’ words, “So also my Heavenly Father will do to everyone of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart”?

Truly horrific evils happen in this world. How could Jesus say that? How could he be so emphatic and leave no wiggle room? When I consider some of the atrocities that people are subjected to, it almost sounds too harsh. Sitting on that sofa, I felt like God was yelling at me. And ya’ll know that it feels bad to be yelled at.

So here’s the thing I’ve come to realize. I recognize that parents can yell in very demeaning ways that are traumatic and leave scars. And also, good parents sometimes yell. There are times I have yelled at my kids that I deeply regret, and have gone to them and apologized. But when I had my hands full of one infant, and my toddler took an unexpected swerve and headed toward the street, a yell escaped me that left me with no remorse. It stopped him in his tracks when he was two far away for me to reach him in time. And even though I scared him, and he cried, and needed comforting, it was OK because the only thing motivating me in that moment was preserving his life. My yell did what I needed it to do, it kept him safe.

Here’s the thing: God only has best-parenting-moments. That’s how I’ve made peace with God yelling at me that day. He yells to keep us from serious injury and death.

The following is my personal observation. Take it with a grain of salt, because I’m not aware of citable research to support it. (Though who knows? Perhaps it’s out there, just yet undiscovered by me.) Consider it my working theory. When evil is done to us, I think a bond is formed. It can present in a variety of ways and is malleable, but it is unavoidable.

We can be bonded through a twisted attachment to those who wronged us. Stockholm syndrome would be an extreme example of this. When this happens we are getting swept up in the offender’s denial of reality and aligning with it. I get it. Sometimes reality is so overwhelming that we reflexively pivot to denial. And if you’re in an abusive system there is punishment if you don’t fall in line with reality-as-defined-by-those-in-power.

Or, we can face the truth. We can name evil for what it is, and then we have basically two options: We can be in a hate-bond or a love-bond with those who wronged us. The lure of hatred is that it presents as freedom. It feels powerful and safe, but it is a ruse. Hatred is a charlatan, promising escape when in reality he will send us off down the road emotionally chained to our enemy.

Forgiveness is the only way I have found to be free. God’s zero tolerance policy on unforgiveness is not about protecting perpetrators. It is about protecting victims.