As I participate in current in person and on-line conversations, I hear confusion about the concept of racial bias. Many seem to think that if my conscious belief is that all people have equal value and worth and so should be treated with equal dignity regardless of skin color… then by default, I cannot be guilty of racial bias. The problem is, we hold all kinds of thoughts in our minds. Some of them we carefully and intentionally develop, others are automatic and inherited. And the thing is, they’re not always consistent with each other.

Smarter and more qualified people than me have created great learning tools about this, so I am not going to try to recreate that here. But I was thinking the other day about something funny that happened to me, which pretty perfectly illustrates the difference between conscious beliefs and implicit bias or automatic thoughts.

So let me tell you the story…

We had a wonderful pediatric practice as our children were born and started growing up in Louisville, KY. Initially, I made sure we got to know all four of the doctors. As the boys grew, I let them pick who they wanted to see, and they gravitated towards the only male in the practice.

He was a great pediatrician, and we all felt very comfortable with him. He also wore a large turquoise gemmed ring and drove a little yellow… ah, I’m bad with cars… I want to say maybe a Miata? For years I kind of assumed he was gay.

Then one day our appointment was in a different exam room than we’d been in before. Corralling my children through the door, I looked up, and there on the wall was a lovely family picture of our pediatrician… with a wife and two kids. I stared at it, and my automatic first thought was: Huh, I guess not.

Immediately on the heels of that thought came the following: What the…?!? Sara! You have been happily married to a gay man for over a decade, and ya’ll have three kids. How dare you take away his gay card!

Now, the truth is: I have no idea what his sexual orientation is, and really, it’s none of my business. He was a great pediatrician who served our family well for many years before we moved to Saint Louis. That’s what I know.

But do you see how fast automatic thoughts work? And do you notice how they can exist in conflict with deeply held conscious beliefs? We humans can be a mess of walking contradictions sometimes.

So, here is my encouragement to listen to your own thoughts, and be willing to entertain the question: Hmmm… is that consistent with my deepest values and convictions? If you’re human, the answer will sometimes be “No.”

♰♰♰

If your head is still spinning from the “happily married to a gay man” line, you can read more about that here.